A Walk in the WoodsDVD - 2015
Bill Bryson, instead of retiring to enjoy his loving and beautiful wife and large and happy family, challenges himself to hike the Appalachian Trail: 2,200 miles of America's most unspoiled, spectacular, and rugged countryside from Georgia to Maine. The peace and tranquility he hopes to find, though, is anything but, when the only person he can find willing to join him on the trek is his long-lost former friend Katz, a down-on-his-luck serial philanderer.
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Katz: You think there's anyone else on Earth looking up at the sky and seeing as many stars as we are?
Bryson: I don't know
Katz: I gotta be looking at a million.
Bryson: The naked eye can see 2,000.
Katz: Well, then I really got great eyes 'cause I'm looking at a million.
Bryson: Alpha Centauri's the closest. That's four and a half light years away.
Katz: Four and a half? That's not bad.
Bryson: Each light year is six trillion miles, so that's...twenty six trillion miles.
Katz: Twenty-six trillion. That's the closest?
Bryson: Yep. And there's one hundred billion stars in our galaxy. There's more galaxies in the universe
than there are grains of sand on earth.
Katz: That is big.
Bryson: And we are small.
Bryson: God, all I've done is write forewords for books for the last four and a half years. I should have just retired. Catherine was right, what the hell am I trying to prove?
Katx: Women love a felony record. Maybe not up in New Hampshire, where you are. But in Des Moines,
it would have served me well.
Bryson: Do you just get to the point where it's all about ailments, and medications, and funerals, and who's being diagnosed with what, and everyone's just waiting around for the end.
Katz: How long does it take a body to decompose?
Bryson: Well, you don't have to worry. You're so chock-full of preservatives, you'll be on this ledge forever.
Bryson: As John Muir once said, "Sometimes a man just has to "get a loaf of bread and throw it into a sack, and jump over the back fence."
Katz: Oh, I got you. Life's a little too perfect inside that fence, huh?
Bryson: No, no, no...
Katz: Oh, you made sense, Bryson. You're a caged animal. You wanna get back into that forest. Live a little.
Katz: You know, Bryson, I still dream about Amorina. You remember her?
Bryson: Oh, God, can't forget a girl like that. You know guys like us aren't supposed to meet women named Amorina. Disturbs the natural order.
Katz: Still the best boobs I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of boobs, Bryson.
Bryson: Yeah, I'll bet.
Katz: Hey, you remember her sister?
Bryson: Oh, God, that poor girl. They couldn't have been sisters.
Katz: If you're going to be ugly, you better be funny. And if you're ugly and you're not funny, you better have money. And if you're zero for three, you better be slutty.
Bryson: She was.
Mary (cont'd:) I was like, "Mary Ellen, who's the only person you know "who doesn't mess up?" and it's like, me. I went through this person, it was, like, dumb. That person, boring. This person, dumb. Dumb, dumb. Boring, boring. I know what you're thinking. I'm not married.
-I wonder why?
Mary: Well, I do have a boyfriend, but he's in Florida and he's in prison. even if he wasn't because you can't trust a convict, and he's dumb. And boring, actually.
“You know what your problem is?” she was saying. “Pardon my French, but you’re too fat.” Katz looked at her in quiet wonder. “Excuse me?” “You’re too fat. You should have lost weight before you came out here. Shoulda done some training, ’cause you could have like a serious, you know, heart thing out here.” “Heart thing?” “You know, when your heart stops and you like, you know, die.” “Do you mean a heart attack?” “That’s it.”
Mary: How many miles did you guys do today?
Bryson: Around 10.
Mary: Ten? Oh, you must be really out of shape. I did fourteen-two. Started at Gooch Gap.
Bryson: Well, so did we. And it's eight point four.
Bryson: It is. It's eight point four.
Mary: Excuse me. But I think I ought to know. I just walked it.
Bryson: So did we. And it's eight point four.
Mary: Tomato, to-mah-to. You know what your problem is? You're too fat.
Mary: You should have dropped some of that tonnage before you hit the trail head. I mean, you're liable to have some sort of serious heart thing out here. And so I just walk alone, because everybody I know is boring. I'm the only person I know who doesn't bore myself to death. Also, if I walked with someone else, I'd have to watch them make, you know, mistake after mistake after mistake, and I'd go crazy, and then I'd not be sane on the trail, you know?
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